Beyond the Engrave

A GHOST STORY FOR CHRISTMAS - THE MEZZOTINT (2021)

Nikesh Patel, Rory Kinnear and Robert Bathurst in this fifteenth instalment of the famous BBC strand, and the eleventh based on M. R. James.

INCLUDED in Ghost Stories of an Antiquary, M. R. James' The Mezzotint tells of Williams, the curator of a university art museum. He receives a nighttime country house engraving which changes each time you look at it, and one depiction shows a skeletal figure carrying a baby from the dwelling. It is surmised that vengeful poacher Gawdy has returning from the dead to kidnap and murder the infant heir of Arthur Francis, after Gawdy had been hanged for shooting a gamekeeper while on Francis' land.

Adapted and directed by Mark Gatiss, there are several changes to the source: the obligatory contemporary inclusion of females (amateur paleontologist Mrs Ambrigail (Frances Barber), housekeeper Mrs Filcher (Emma Cunniffe) and a debate on granting degrees to woman; the diversity need for Williams' colleague Nesbit to be of Indian descent (Nikesh Patel); plus Williams (Rory Kinnear)'s heritage is tied into the Francis line. This latter deviation sets up a tacked on EC comics-style conclusion, as the creature's entry to the house - contorting through a window frame and falling cloaked onto the floor - owes more than a passing nod to a Barlow entrance from Tobe Hooper's SALEM'S LOT.

The Mezzotint is the fourth Mark Gatiss entry, labeling it a "love letter" to the 1970s productions of Lawrence Gordon Clark.

Gatiss provides a tight half-hour entertainment, but treads a now over-familiar ambience. Even with the box-ticking tweaks, modern audiences cannot fully focus on James's slow-moving "world without women" in our age of instant self-gratification. The solitary academics and "things better left alone" bring an air of mystery more akin to the 1970s series, when the pre-digital age breathed a nostalgic and non streamable air. As the BFI's Dick Fiddy states about the initial broadcasts: "they went out late at night, when television wasn't a 24-hour experience, probably watched by the dying embers of the fire before the viewer turned in for the night; the nightmarish quality of the stories would linger as they went to bed. Such conditions can magnify the power of the pieces, adding to their creepiness and helping the tales imbed themselves within impressionable minds."

Strange World of Terror

THE STRANGE WORLD OF PLANET X (1958)
THE TROLLENBERG TERROR (1958)

THE STRANGE WORLD OF PLANET X is a scientific cautionary tale adapted from the 1957 Rene Ray novel of the same name; a made-for-TV serial, adapted by Ray, had aired previously in the UK and was the basis for the feature.

WITH the arrival of commercial television in September 1955, ITV was determined to follow in the successful science fiction footsteps of the BBC's Professor Quatermass. Two examples - THE STRANGE WORLD OF PLANET X and THE TROLLENBERG TERROR - were masterminded by former atomic scientist Quentin Lawrence. When they also jumped Quatermass-like to the big screen, Lawrence would direct the latter, and both would star grizzled American character actor Forrest Tucker. THE STRANGE WORLD OF PLANET X (released in the United States as THE COSMIC MONSTER) is a painfully dull affair, as the magnetic field experiments of single-minded Dr Laird (Alec Mango) cause freak storms and cosmic radiation that mutates insects and spiders. Laird is assisted by American Gilbert Graham (Tucker) and Michele Dupont (Gaby Andre), who is accepted into the fold once the physicists and the Ministry of Defence except that not only is she a woman but also French. 

Even when a space invader arrives, he is modeled on Klaatu from THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL. Well-spoken and spelling out the situation to the leads, "Mr. Smith" (Martin Benson) reveals himself to be an extraterrestrial emissary, warning that our orbit will be destabilised if Laird's work continues. Complete with obligatory pub scenes and verbal diarrhea, the effectiveness of the mutated creatures is also hindered by the use of micro-graphic stock footage. If any footnote is needed, the production holds the distinction that it was the only time British films ventured into the giant insect sub-genre. 

"The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonising horror on a screaming world!;" THE TROLLENBERG TERROR vacates its freezing mist. 

THE TROLLENBERG TERROR (released in the United States as THE CRAWLING EYE) sees UN troubleshooter Alan Brooks (Tucker) investigating unusual accidents in a (fictional) Swiss mountain range. Traveling to the Trollenberg Observatory to aid Professor Crevett (Warren Mitchell), Brooks meets London-based mind-reading sister act Anne and Sarah Pilgrim (Janet Munro and Jennifer Jayne). A Radioactive cloud sits heavily over the mountains, and when the suspended particles start to duplicate and move towards the hotel, large, one-eyed tentacled monsters attack. Retreating to the heavily fortified observatory, the beasts are subjected to Molotov cocktails and aerial firebombing.

The special effects are not so special; one cloud was achieved by filming a piece of cotton wool on a photograph, and the monsters are too goofy to be taken seriously (their tentacles are also too thin to be threatening). Jimmy Sangster's script is surprisingly unfocused, as several details are left dangling: in a plot thread lifted from Bram Stoker's Dracula, the creatures view psychics as a prime threat, but why do they have a fascination with beheading victims, yet spare others to transform into homicidal zombies? In such a perilous situation you would always follow the likes of Brooks over journalist Philip Truscott (Laurence Payne, retained from the serial) though Truscott gets the girl. In fact Munro is the highlight in her ultimately pointless ESP role, but fairs better than Jayne, who could easily be credited as "Sister Standing Looking Worried."

John Gilling Double Bill

MOTHER RILEY MEETS THE VAMPIRE (1952)

THE GAMMA PEOPLE (1956)

"Its enough to make a bat laugh!" Arthur Lucan and Bela Lugosi at the end of their careers in MOTHER RILEY MEETS THE VAMPIRE. A release in America was held over until 1964, by which time it had been retitled to MY SON THE VAMPIRE due to a novelty song by Allan Sherman.

AFTER serving in the Royal Navy during World War II, John Gilling became a prolific director and screenwriter in British cinema. The filmmaker is best known for his masterful take on Burke and Hare, THE FLESH AND THE FIENDS, and the two anti-colonial Hammer "Cornish Classics" PLAGUE OF THE ZOMBIES and THE REPTILE. As David Pirie states in A Heritage of Horror, Gilling expressed his stories using abstract imagery and, unlike Terence Fisher, his works could end with prevailing gloom. Gilling's earlier directing assignments under consideration here are more of historical note rather than artistic merit; the first Britain's initial vampire picture, the second one of the biggest oddities in 1950s science fiction.

MOTHER RILEY MEETS THE VAMPIRE was the final film in the Old Mother Riley comedies, featuring Arthur Lucan in drag as the eponymous off-kilter Irish washerwoman. Bela Lugosi stars as Van Housen/The Vampire, but his arrival in England is not because of blood, rather to obtain uranium to fuel an army of 50,000 super robots. The two characters meet thanks to a mix-up: Riley's inheritance goods of a banjo and a bedwarmer are mistakenly delivered to Van Housen, while the villain's Mark I prototype automaton ends up at Riley's shop. Designed by Bernard Robinson - soon to become Hammer's renowned art director - Lugosi gives his last great performance before suffering from morphine addiction and Ed Wood appearances. On the suggestion of Richard Gordon, Bela had traveled to the UK to appear in a stage tour of Dracula, which was such a disaster Lugosi and his wife were unable to pay their way home. Luckily, Gordon persuaded fellow producer George Minter to use the actor here to solve the issue. 

"Is this your future?" Filmed mostly in Austria, science meets anticommunist propaganda in THE GAMMA PEOPLE. 

Six years before Bruce Banner became The Hulk due to gamma rays, Albert Broccoli and Irving Allen masterminded the long-gestating THE GAMMA PEOPLE under their Warwick Films banner. American journalist Mike Wilson (Paul Douglas) and English photographer Howard Meade (Leslie Phillips) end up in Gudavia, an out-of-time European hamlet, when their train carriage mysteriously detaches. Greeted by bumbling General Koerner (Phillip Leaver), the two men are suspected of being spies, but released from jail on orders of Professor Boronski (Walter Rilla). It is discovered that Boronski - reluctantly aided by Paula (Eva Bartok) - is using gamma rays to transform the brains of the young to create a race of geniuses (including Hugo (Michael Caridia), who leads a Hitler Youth style gang, and piano prodigy Hedda (Pauline Drewett)). Unfortunately the radiation doesn’t always work, turning subjects into zombie "goons".

THE GAMMA PEOPLE is an uneasy mix of sci-fi, melodrama and comedy, further hindered by cardboard characters and irrelevant detail. Burly Douglas was a latecomer to acting, previously having a successful announcer and hosting radio career, and is a strange choice for a leading man (his sly advances to the stunning Bartok are quite queasy). In contrast Phillips is a joy, effortlessly perfecting his suave ladies man persona. At least the future for Broccoli is shadowed in the James Bond-like climax, with its castle lair, raygun, a laboratory with large signage, mechanised sliding doors and grand explosions.

"They Raped the Regulations"

The Bojeffries Saga (1983 - 2014)

Makes Monty Python look like a comedy; 

the arrival of the Bojeffries in Warrior.

ILLUSTRATED by Steve Parkhouse and written by Alan Moore at his most sardonic, The Bojeffries Saga intermittently spanned decades and graced several publications. A wryly-humoured yet surreally chaotic merging of THE ADDAMS FAMILY and CORONATION STREET, we follow the meandering lives of a household not necessarily led by weary Jobremus Bojeffries. In their dilapidated abode, we have moody, repulsive and obese daughter Ginda, nerdy son Reth (who has a model kit of the Atlantic ocean), uncles Raoul (a cheerfully dumb dog-eating werewolf) and Festus (a bitter vegetarian vampire), Grandpa Podlasp (a senile amorphous blob in the final stages of organic matter), and a basement-dwelling baby that emits enough thermonuclear energy to power England and Wales.

The Bojeffries Saga first appeared in Warrior #12 (August 1983), under the shadow of Moore's other strips for the magazine, Marvelman and V for Vendetta. We open with humble rent collector Trevor Inchmale, who attempts to obtain considerable arrears from the family while fantasizing about writing his autobiography. After Warrior's premature demise, Fantagraphics reprinted the first four strips in colour during 1986 in Flesh and Bones, and commissioned a new preface for American readers in Dalgoda. A further five stories appeared in the British Atomeka anthology A1 three years later, and to complete the saga there was a contemporary tale - 'After They Were Famous' - specially produced for the 2014 Top Shelf/Knockabout collection.

Trevor Inchmale realises the extent of his problem 

in the opening salvo of The Bojeffries Saga.

In his introduction to the 1992 Tundra collection The Complete Bojeffries Saga, Lenny Henry states that the series arrival was "a breath of fresh air, bringing an anarchy and weirdness to comics similar to the kick up the arse that THE YOUNG ONES brought to television." Moore captures the essence of ramshackle working class lives with irresistible touches (Festus has a poster of Ray Reardon, for example), and Parkhouse's scratchy lines exist somewhere between Leo Baxendale, Marie Severin and Robert Crumb. The Bojeffries Saga is both a political cartoon and a deconstruction of the British sitcom, and a particular pleasure because it is unshackled from the convoluted histories that have long maimed mainstream comic books.

Over thirty years, Moore's expert lampooning of our quintessential past-times and traditions remains constant, while the art and panel style differ widely from story to story. 'Song of the Terraces' is a light opera, and 'Our Factory Fortnight' has wordless illustrations followed by short bursts of text. 'After They Were Famous' is a fitting end, a scathing satire of celebrity and the media obsession with exploiting the disenfranchised. Reth has been banished by his family for writing an expose of them, Ginda became Minister for Knife Crime and Fisheries, and Festus - now commonly known as Britney Sutcliffe - is vocalist for Goth band Pram of Shit. And in a classic dig at motion picture treatments of Moore's work, Meryl Streep is Oscar-nominated for her role as Raoul, in 19th Century Dodo's 2005 film version MEET THE MACJEFFRIES.

Pythons on Parade

YELLOWBEARD (1983)

ERIK THE VIKING (1989)

A parody of Edward 'Blackbeard' Teach and pirates in general, YELLOWBEARD was co-written and starred Graham Chapman.

SEA-FARING travesty YELLOWBEARD was a long-gestating project from the warped brain of Graham Chapman, at the prompting of Keith Moon who wanted to play Long John Silver. YELLOWBEARD wastes a checklist of British and American comedians - and a distinguished plethora of actors - for a film that was clearly more fun behind the scenes than anything on screen (apart from Marty Feldman, who died of a heart attack on the last day of filming in Mexico). Its mix of old school British humour, Mel Brooks lampoonery and Monty Python surrealism is impossible to gel; bloodthirsty pirate Yellowbeard (Chapman) is in jail for tax evasion, and just as he is about to be released, the British Secret Service (led by Eric Idle) convinces him that 100 more years has been added to his sentence, in the hope that he will escape in desperation and lead them to his treasure.

Behind his elaborate beard, Chapman attempts to carry the can in a manically wide-eyed performance. Yet because of the overall utter banality, even the swashbuckling and attempts at humour seem out of sync ("no woman ever slept with me and lived.") Relying on bringing a limp script to life by turning up in costume in the name of cliché can only result in an unfunny mess, as performers wave their swords and look for inspiration. It's no wonder that John Cleese - who appears as Blind Pew only out of loyalty to Chapman - described it as "one of the six worst films made in the history of the world." One laments that Chapman's career was one of unrealised talent, never providing a masterpiece beyond his Python association, unlike writing partner Cleese's FAWLTY TOWERS, Michael Palin and Terry Jones' RIPPING YARNS, or Terry Gilliam with BRAZIL.

Bearing little resemblance to Terry Jones' children's book The Saga of Erik the Viking, neither the knockabout humour or heroes journey is particularly spontaneous for Jones' film version, ERIK THE VIKING. 

Six years after YELLOWBEARD Terry Jones made his own adventure, ERIK THE VIKING. Questioning Viking preferences for raping and pillaging, Erik (Tim Robbins) suffers further guilt over the death of Helga (Samantha Bond). Existing in the age of Ragnarok, the young warrior forms a crew of misfits to travel to Hy-Brasil to seek the Horn Resounding, which will take them to Asgard and awaken the Gods. Yet these men have differing ideals, from Christian missionary Harald (Freddie Jones) to Blacksmith Keitel (Gary Cady), the latter secretly opposing Erik's plan for peace as it would be bad for business. Similarly warlord Halfan the Black (John Cleese) is also on Erik's tail, in a chomping ship of skull-wearing henchmen.

Although not on the disastrous level of YELLOWBEARD, ERIK THE VIKING is a pretty nondescript production, again wasting a host of talent. More Gilliamesque than Pythonesque, at least Jones is enjoying himself as Arnulf, the King of Hy-Brasil. Living like ancient Greeks, Arnulf's sunlit land is extremely hospitable and the centre of the most overt humour, especially Princess Aud (Imogen Stubbs)'s magic cloak of invisibility. Eartha Kitt is also memorable as the prophet Freya - seductively convincing Erik to embark on his voyage of discovery to escape the "great winter" - and Antony Sher makes a perfectly slimy Loki. 

The Road to Unreason

SIR HENRY AT RAWLINSON END (1980)

Thespian and alcoholic Trevor Howard is in his element as Sir Henry Rawlinson, Vivian Stanshall's most famous comedy creation.

MUSICIAN and wit Vivian Stanshall was best known for his work with the surrealist comedy/art revue group Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band, and his outlandish exploration of the British upper classes at Rawlinson End. This latter concept first appeared as a track on the Bonzo's contractual obligation album Let's Make Up and Be Friendly, then as thirteen radio broadcasts on The John Peel Show as an individual performer, before evolving into a fully-fledged LP in 1978. This anarchic movie version - filmed in sepia monochrome and running a shade over seventy minutes - follows drunken aristocrat Sir Henry (Trevor Howard)'s attempts to exorcise the ghost of his brother Hubert (played by Stanshall). Hubert was accidentally killed in a duck-shooting incident whilst escaping trouser less from an illicit liaison. Apparently, this ghost will not rest until it is supplied with another pair of trousers; until then, the spirit walks the corridors, accompanied by his possessed stuffed dog Gums.

Bigoted imperialism is expertly brought to life by the cinematography of Martin Bell, as if a fading photograph. The eccentric family members, mad servants and unhinged acquaintances - players include Patrick Magee, Sheila Reid and Suzanne Danielle - all seem to exist in a world that isn't quite Monty Python, The Goons, Peter Cook or anything else, more a haphazard set of observations on the absurdity of being British. Incoherency is evident both in its sequences (Sir Henry is shown blacked up on a unicycle wearing a tutu, billiards played on a horse) and its dialogue ("generally speaking when I eat something I don't want to see it again," "I don't know what I want, but I want it now!")

Stanshall's behaviour was never straightforward. He once held a reporter captive for three hours until he would listen to his favourite records, and visited the East End with Keith Moon dressed up as Nazis.

A heavy drinker who also suffered from depression and a tranquiliser addiction, Stanshall was full of contradictions: both pleasant and threatening, even his voice could be posh (an order from his tyrannical father) or sport a cockney accent. At the time of his death - at fifty-one due to an electrical fire at his Muswell Hill bedsit - Vivian was developing a project about Loch Ness, and Warner's had approved a second Sir Henry album. Generously championed by Stephen Fry as "one of the most talented Englishmen ever," Stanshall's legacy is one more of infrequent flashes of oddness, an absurdist world which was too fragmented and silly for its own good.

Force of Nature

IN THE EARTH (2021)

"It can get a bit funny in the woods sometimes;" from sacrificial sites to otherworldly portals, standing stones have a firm history in British film and television, hinting at the ancient and the macabre.

BEN Wheatley's IN THE EARTH is a slow-burning folk horror freak-out referred to as his "lockdown movie." Conceived and made during the Coronavirus pandemic, it is not just a companion piece to Wheatley's KILL LIST and A FIELD IN ENGLAND, it is a film which is umbilically linked to them. This mirrors the narrative, that in a virus-stricken world fertile soils are sought to increase crop production. A standing stone is discovered to be the epicentre of an underground network; attempting to communicate by sound and light, can humans actually talk to nature? And if so, what would the inherent features have to say to us? Scientist Martin Lowery (Joel Fry) and forest scout Alma (Ellora Torchia) venture into the woods with equipment for Dr Olivia Wendle (Hayley Squires), Martin's former colleague and ex-lover who is researching Mycorrhiza, the symbiotic association between fungus and plant roots. However, this two-day trek is interrupted by Zach (Reece Shearsmith), a man living in the terrain who inducts them into his own world of ritual.

Using a template of John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN for what can be achieved with a microbudget and a fifteen day shoot, IN THE EARTH makes the most of its natural production and 2:39:1 frame, very much an "outdoor" picture to reintroduce normality after the shock of Covid. Visually beautiful but awkwardly flat, there are too many threads to form a nuanced experience: we have the BLAIR WITCH psychology of Parnag Fegg; SAW extreme violence; trippy ALTERED STATES sequences; science against myth; and dull back stories (Zach is also Wendle's ex-husband). Of the performers Shearsmith is unsurprisingly the highlight, providing the stand-out scene of literal toe-curling horror. Torchia is a believable guide, but Fry is lamely introverted, and Squires too wide-eyed from the get-go to be believed or trusted.

"Everything seems to just keep us here;" Reece Shearsmith is Zach, a fusion of Robert Plant and Jack Torrance.

Yet Wheatley is not leading to any rational conclusions, rather a heavy dose of weirdness expertly described by critic Peter Bradshaw as like "the last crashing cord of The Beatles' A Day in the Life." IN THE EARTH not just mimics woodland horror, it illustrates the pastoral gothic of British creatives from Algernon Blackwood to Nigel Kneale and 1970s Hauntology. Although there are overtures to THE STONE TAPE and even CLOSE ENCOUNTERS, allusions to Blackwood are particularly apt. The writer and broadcaster wrote stories not to frighten but to create awe with alternative consciousnesses and creations, imaginative treatments of possibilities outside our normal human range. For example, in The Willows, part of his 1907 collection The Listener and Other Stories, the environment is personified with threatening and powerful characteristics; and The Wendigo, first published in 1910's The Lost Valley and Other Stories, details spiritual possession during a hunting trip.

Britain in the Raw

COOL IT CAROL (1970)
GOODBYE GEMINI (1970)

Released by AIP in the United States as DIRTIEST GIRL I EVER MET, COOL IT CAROL is a kitsch time capsule of swinging London that also started Britain's love affair with Robin Askwith's naked arse.

COOL IT CAROL and GOODBYE GEMINI were released within four months of each other in the latter half of 1970, both telling tales of young couples traveling to London. Inspired by a true story, COOL IT CAROL is part sex comedy part cautionary tale, and Pete Walker's finest slice of sexploitation before shifting to horror. Butcher boy Joe Sickles (Robin Askwith) and garage attendant Carol Thatcher (Janet Lynn in a role intended for Susan George) leave Shropshire to seek fame and fortune. With Joe unable to find work, he soon becomes Carol's manager, Thatcher guiding their wealth through modelling, cheap porn loops and prostitution ("it's only a fuck - I can't believe people pay good money for it.") As Carol becomes a high class call girl with Sheikh and cabinet minister clients, the pair become tired of fabricated existence and return home to resume their old jobs. 

COOL IT CAROL benefits from a solid Murray Smith script and strong performances (we are naturally enthused by Joe and Carol to the extent that the pimping sequence is quite harrowing). Unsurprisingly the papers couldn't see past the smut, describing it as "liable (if not calculated) to corrupt" (Evening News) and "a patch of untreated effluent" (Sunday Times). Similar to Walker's exploitation breakthrough HOUSE OF WHIPCORD, COOL IT CAROL portrays corruption as being far more dictated (and practiced) by those with higher moral standing, where sexual possession is seen as commodity (even in the filmmaker's 1969 travesty SCHOOL FOR SEX, a Judge takes over promiscuous reigns). After all, this is a London for the domain of young players, greasy businessmen and seedy politicians, in Soho clubs with indoor swimming pools.

Judy Geeson, Martin Potter and Alexis Kanner enjoy a London on the threshold of hippie disintegration in GOODBYE GEMINI.

Judy Geeson and Martin Potter star as fraternal birth partners Jacki and Julian Dewar in Alan Gibson's GOODBYE GEMINI. A companion piece to MUMSY, NANNY, SONNY AND GIRLY in its portrayal of childlike family interaction, Jacki and Julian, on a University break, are sent by their father to an old Chelsea Embankment house and immediately hospitalise their elderly governess. They frequent London's underground party scene - complete with Jacki's teddy bear Agamemnon - and are soon ensnared by hustler Clive Landseer (Alexis Kanner with elaborate sideburns). Clive is using the Dewars to shroud him from gangster Road Barstowe (Mike Pratt), who he owes a large gambling debt; Clive blackmails Julian by plying him with whiskey and marijuana then taking him to a hotel room with two transvestite prostitutes. When Landseer is stabbed to death by the twins in a ritual - dressed in bed sheets as makeshift ceremonial robes - Agamemnon is cut in half, and Jacki goes on the run.

Adapted from Jenni Hall's experimental and fragmented 1964 novel Ask Agamemnon, the film abandons the book's Greek tragedy and fantasy sequences for a more linear experience, focusing more on Julian's incestuous yearning. Although it is hard to categorise - psychological sexploitation is perhaps nearest the mark - GOODBYE GEMINI is a surprisingly dull affair. Geeson (at the height of her career following TO SIR WITH LOVE) and Potter (fresh from Fellini's SATYRICON) are overshadowed by Kanner's stellar performance; neither does their journey gel with the older performers ("two old tombstones" Michael Redgrave as "member of parliament with a heart" and partygoer Freddie Jones). It is all too hedonistic to be enjoyable; self-indulgence is one thing, but no production can cope with such a quirky mix of naivety and ruthlessness. At least the fashions and party scenes are garish enough to hold interest, priming Gibson for helming Hammer's DRACULA A.D. 1972.

Doctor In Distress

K-9 AND COMPANY - A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND (1981)

"Black magic, witchcraft, it's very romantic, but this is 1981"; Elisabeth Sladen and K-9 do their best with a Satan meets EMMERDALE setting.

PRODUCER John Nathan-Turner was in charge of DOCTOR WHO's increasingly disastrous stint through the 1980s. In Richard Marson's 2013 book The Life and Scandalous Times of John Nathan-Turner, it is alleged that the producer and long-term partner Gary Downie prayed on young fans well below the then gay consent age of twenty-one. But the results on screen were equally alarming, not helped by Nathan-Turner's tumultuous working relationship with script editor Eric Saward. Against a backdrop of referencing - which both limited writers and confused the casual viewer - light entertainment performers also consistently appeared rather than those from the drama department. Novelty casting was evident even in the companions, with Australian air-stewardess Tegan Jovanka (Janet Fielding) for the large fan base Down Under, and American Peri Brown (Nicola Bryant) appealing to the vastly increasing United States market. Then there were The Doctors he signed themselves: Peter Davison, Colin Baker and Sylvester McCoy were all dissatisfied with quirky costume decisions, adding to the pantomime feel.

Nathan-Turner always hated K-9, but admitted the robot dog "had legs" because of its popularity with youngsters. The first DOCTOR WHO spinoff, K-9 AND COMPANY, was made to plug the (relatively long) broadcasting gap between Tom Baker and Davison's tenure (an unprecedented season of repeats under the banner THE FIVE FACES OF DOCTOR WHO additionally helped). Nathan-Turner failed to lure Elisabeth Sladen back into the main programme, resulting in her "compromise" casting here. It was also intended to be a pilot for a series, but was never commissioned; fans blamed new BBC controller Alan Hart as viewing figures were strong, but in reality K-9 AND COMPANY is a talkative bore.

John Nathan-Turner regularly threatened to mould DOCTOR WHO in his own image. This included trying to abolish the sonic screwdriver and the police box appearance of the TARDIS (briefly achieved in ATTACK OF THE CYBERMEN), and successfully driving out Tom Baker. 

The awkwardly titled A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND, with a running time of fifty minutes, was helmed by television veteran John Black, who was apparently labeled John Grey by the cast and crew because of his lifeless direction (another TV regular penned the laboured script - Terence Dudley). For the story, The Doctor gifts a Mark III K-9 (voiced by John Leeson) to former companion Sarah Jane Smith (Sladen). Now back to her roots as a rustic-costumed investigative journalist in the fictional English village of Moreton Harwood, Sarah Jane gains a companion of her own - her aunt's ward Brendan Richards (a wooden Ian Sears) - in a tale of the black arts. But before the underwhelming robed pagans and masked goddesses, we are subjected to one of the worst opening title sequences in television history; the theme was originally composed by record producer Ian Levine as an orchestral score, but was instead arranged directly from his electronic demonstration by Peter Howell without Levine's knowledge.

Snake in a Siege

VENOM (1981)

This Amazon Prime banner - taken from a Blue Underground Blu-ray/DVD cover - sees salacious use of Susan George's fleeting black underwear scene.

BASED on Alan Scholefield's novel, this all-star mess at least made a change in an era of slashers and overblown make-up effects. Young asthmatic Philip Hopkins (Lance Holcomb) and his grandfather Howard (Sterling Hayden) - part of a wealthy hotelier family - are kidnapped by their chauffeur Dave (Oliver Reed), nanny Louise (Susan George) and her terrorist lover Jacmel (Klaus Kinski).  With Philip's mother Ruth (Cornelia Sharpe) flying to Rome to meet her husband, the plan starts to unravel early, as Dave kills Police Sergeant Nash (John Forbes-Robertson) at the doorstep, and Philip brings home a Black Mamba in a mix-up between a pet store and the London Institute of Toxicology. When Dr Marion Stowe (Sarah Miles) receives a harmless snake in error, she too is ensnared inside the house thanks to the bungled negotiations of Commander Bulloch (Nicol Williamson). To add to the star power, Michael Gough appears late on as London Zoo's real life Snake handler David Ball, who acted as advisor.

VENOM's behind the scenes troubles are more famous than the finished product. Original director Tobe Hooper and cinematographer Anthony B. Richmond quit after ten days, citing obligatory "creative differences." Kinski has boasted that the cast and crew contrived to have Hooper replaced, and Piers Haggard - drafted in with little preparation - stated in a Fangoria interview that Hooper suffered "some sort of nervous breakdown." Apparently, the main problem was the caustic relationship between Reed and Kinski ("they fought like cats" claims Haggard), so much so that Piers claims the Black Mamba was one of the more congenial members of the production. Additionally, Hayden spent most of his time on set drunk, which accounts for his extremely uneven showing. 

VENOM should be given kudos for having the audacity 

of casting Klaus Kinski and Oliver Reed in the same movie. 

There are several liberties with logic, making VENOM more comic strip than the taut thriller it strives to be. Nothing is made of Stowe's knowledge that cold can induce a coma with the snake (particularly as the film is set in winter). It is also ridiculous that a leading Toxicology centre would deal with such a ramshackle, back-street pet supplier, and equally absurd is the police literally finding a "back door." As a glutton for punishment, in the same year Reed made another killer snake picture with a troubled production based on a novel: the Canadian SPASMS. Although not released until 1983, here the actor develops a psychic link with a snake which killed his brother, accidentally set free by a group of reptile-worshiping Satanists.

Bond Back to Earth (Part II of II)

OCTOPUSSY (1983)

Negotiating on a picture-by-picture basis, Roger Moore appears in his penultimate Bond, despite screen tests by James Brolin and Michael Billington. With the announcement of an unofficial THUNDERBALL remake, Moore provided a safer pair of hands under the circumstances.

THE contrasting visuals of Berlin and India form the backdrop to the thirteenth official James Bond film, released the same year as Sean Connery's rival outing NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN. In an original screenplay only fleetingly inspired by Ian Fleming's short story collection Octopussy and The Living Daylights, Roger Moore returns for his sixth 007 adventure. Renegade Soviet General Orlov (outrageous Steven Berkoff) forms an allegiance with charismatic smuggler and exiled Afgan prince Kamal Khan (Louis Jordan, a close friend of Cubby Broccoli). Orlov plans to detonate a nuclear bomb on a US military base in Germany, surmising that a subsequent withdrawal will leave Western Europe open to his loyalist forces. Khan double crosses fellow smuggler Octopussy (Maud Adams) and uses her travelling circus to unwittingly transport the bomb to the base, which Bond manages to deactivate at the last second.

Swedish model and actress Adams is perfect as the titular role; others considered included Sybil Danning, Faye Dunaway and Persis Khambatta (Barbara Carrera was actually offered the part, but chose to work on NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN instead). Reviving an ancient Octopus cult, and living in a palace guarded by an all-female team of athletic assassins, Adams effortlessly brings the character to life. Octopussy is also fleshed-out with a back-story: she is the daughter of disgraced British agent Dexter Smythe, who 007 allowed to commit suicide rather than face the scandal and humiliation of a court martial; Smythe was found responsible for the theft of Chinese gold from North Korea, and the murder of two guides. 

Maud Adams featured in three Bonds. As well as her star turn here, Adams was Scaramanga's ill-fated lover in THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN, and an extra in A VIEW TO A KILL.

Despite the grounded intentions of director John Glen, silly gags, crude innuendo and racist lines ("that'll keep you in curry for a few weeks") still clash with some astounding sequences. While Bond's Tarzan yell, gorilla outfit and Barbara Woodhouseesque command of "sit!" to a tiger are low points, the sequence where 009 (Andy Bradford) is stalked and murdered by knife-throwing twins Mischka and Grischka (David and Tony Meyer) is tense and sinister, as is the use of a yo-yo buzz saw which kills Bond's ally in India Vijay (tennis professional Vijay Amritraj). Also, the opening credits sequence involving the Acrostar Mini Jet and a heat-seeking missile still stands up as one of the best, beautifully executed by a seamless mix of real jet, full-scale replicas and miniatures. This is a particular relief after the Blofeld debacle of FOR YOUR EYES ONLY, although completely unconnected to the main narrative.

With the "Battle of the Bonds" a non-starter as NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN suffered production delays, OCTOPUSSY posted strong numbers with its summer release. Overall it is a very odd entry, and usually included in that ever-increasing number of 'Better of the Worst' Bonds. In order to reinforce the fact that you were watching the only official 007 movie of 1983, the Bond theme is even used to break the Fourth Wall, when Vijay plays it on a snake-charming flute.

Bond Back to Earth (Part I of II)

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981)

Even by 1981 standards, outrage greeted the original FOR YOUR EYES ONLY poster; consequently, the overly shown buttocks were obscured by an extended swimsuit or shorts. More than one model alleged that she was the owner of the perfect pins, but it was finally revealed they belonged to twenty-two-year-old New York model Joyce Bartle.

AFTER the outer space excess of MOONRAKER, James Bond returned with a more grounded thriller. This fifth 007 picture starring Roger Moore was the directorial debut of Bond editor and second unit helmsman John Glen, who would hold the post for the rest of the 1980s. While in Albanian waters, the British spy ship St George's sinks and takes with it a top-secret transmitter for Polaris submarines, the ATAC. Bond's retrieval of the device is complicated by the involvement of crossbow-wielding Melina Havelock (dubbed Carole Bouquet) - a daughter out to avenge the murder of her marine archeologist parents, who were assisting MI6 - and Greek shipping magnate Aris Kristatos (Julian Glover), who plans to sell the ATAC to the Russians. With the aid of Kristatos rival Columbo (Topol), James and Melina raid Aris' mountain stronghold, where Bond chooses to destroy the ATAC rather than let it fall into the hands of General Gogol (Walter Gotell). Personally arriving at the hide-out, Gogol seems strangely unconcerned about this conclusion.

Glen's tenure gave Bond a harder edge, but the silliness always crept in. Any serious tone is immediately lost here in the most ridiculous pre-credits sequence in 007 history. Riffing on the then furious legal battle between Eon and Kevin McClory over the ownership of SPECTRE and Blofeld, a nameless bald villain in a wheelchair (John Hollis) - replete with white cat - traps Bond in a remote-controlled helicopter. Filmed at Beckton Gasworks, the scene ends with James scooping up the wheelchair with the helicopter rail and dropping him into a smokestack (the villain's pleading line of offering 007 a "delicatessen in stainless steel" is also perplexing). It's all very AUSTIN POWERS, creating a particularly jarring feel as we next see a touching visit to Bond's wife's grave. The film also ends on a ludicrous note, with the appearance of Margaret and Denis Thatcher impersonators Janet Brown and John Wells.

Marvel adapted FOR YOUR EYES ONLY as Marvel Comics Super Special #19, also released as a two-issue run. Written by Larry Hama and penciled by Howard Chaykin, it was the second comic tie-in for Bond, following DR NO first published by British Classics Illustrated.

After MOONRAKER, Moore insisted he would not be returning. The usual panic of finding a replacement ensued - Mel Gibson has said he turned down the role - but Roger eventually struck a last-minute deal. It can be argued that Moore gives his best performance, despite the uneasy age difference between him and two of his leading ladies. Bouquet mixes haunted and glacial with wooden, as if she can hardly believe she is in a 007 movie, but any actual romantic involvement is left to late on. This is in stark contrast to Bond's awkward relationship with teenage bimbo ice-skater Bibi Dahl (real-life professional Lynn-Holly Johnson), sponsored by Kristatos as Olympic material. The character name play on baby doll may well fit the pouting attention-seeker, but her lusting for the secret agent and East German skiing champion/KGB agent Eric Kriegler (John Wyman) hardly fits the remit of a back-to-basics adventure. In fact, the most believable love interest is provided by Pierce Brosnan's late wife Cassandra Harris as fake countess Lisl, Columbo's mistress who spends a passionate evening with Bond before being murdered by Kristatos' mute hit man Locque (Michael Gothard).

Adapting themes from Ian Fleming's short stories For Your Eyes Only and Risico, the most effective action sequence - a shark-based keelhauling - is actually from Live and Let Die. Overlong and suffering from grainy photography and horrendous early 1980s fashions, FOR YOUR EYES ONLY plays it too safe, and is easily one of the most instantly disposable entries. At least the title song performed by Sheena Easton achieved notoriety - even though it replaced a highly superior Blondie effort - as it was nominated as Best Original Song at the Oscars and Golden Globes. To date, Easton is the only theme artist to appear in the actual title sequence.