Doctor In Distress

K-9 AND COMPANY - A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND (1981)

"Black magic, witchcraft, it's very romantic, but this is 1981"; Elisabeth Sladen and K-9 do their best with a Satan meets EMMERDALE setting.

PRODUCER John Nathan-Turner was in charge of DOCTOR WHO's increasingly disastrous stint through the 1980s. In Richard Marson's 2013 book The Life and Scandalous Times of John Nathan-Turner, it is alleged that the producer and long-term partner Gary Downie prayed on young fans well below the then gay consent age of twenty-one. But the results on screen were equally alarming, not helped by Nathan-Turner's tumultuous working relationship with script editor Eric Saward. Against a backdrop of referencing - which both limited writers and confused the casual viewer - light entertainment performers also consistently appeared rather than those from the drama department. Novelty casting was evident even in the companions, with Australian air-stewardess Tegan Jovanka (Janet Fielding) for the large fan base Down Under, and American Peri Brown (Nicola Bryant) appealing to the vastly increasing United States market. Then there were The Doctors he signed themselves: Peter Davison, Colin Baker and Sylvester McCoy were all dissatisfied with quirky costume decisions, adding to the pantomime feel.

Nathan-Turner always hated K-9, but admitted the robot dog "had legs" because of its popularity with youngsters. The first DOCTOR WHO spinoff, K-9 AND COMPANY, was made to plug the (relatively long) broadcasting gap between Tom Baker and Davison's tenure (an unprecedented season of repeats under the banner THE FIVE FACES OF DOCTOR WHO additionally helped). Nathan-Turner failed to lure Elisabeth Sladen back into the main programme, resulting in her "compromise" casting here. It was also intended to be a pilot for a series, but was never commissioned; fans blamed new BBC controller Alan Hart as viewing figures were strong, but in reality K-9 AND COMPANY is a talkative bore.

John Nathan-Turner regularly threatened to mould DOCTOR WHO in his own image. This included trying to abolish the sonic screwdriver and the police box appearance of the TARDIS (briefly achieved in ATTACK OF THE CYBERMEN), and successfully driving out Tom Baker. 

The awkwardly titled A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND, with a running time of fifty minutes, was helmed by television veteran John Black, who was apparently labeled John Grey by the cast and crew because of his lifeless direction (another TV regular penned the laboured script - Terence Dudley). For the story, The Doctor gifts a Mark III K-9 (voiced by John Leeson) to former companion Sarah Jane Smith (Sladen). Now back to her roots as a rustic-costumed investigative journalist in the fictional English village of Moreton Harwood, Sarah Jane gains a companion of her own - her aunt's ward Brendan Richards (a wooden Ian Sears) - in a tale of the black arts. But before the underwhelming robed pagans and masked goddesses, we are subjected to one of the worst opening title sequences in television history; the theme was originally composed by record producer Ian Levine as an orchestral score, but was instead arranged directly from his electronic demonstration by Peter Howell without Levine's knowledge.

Snake in a Siege

VENOM (1981)

This Amazon Prime banner - taken from a Blue Underground Blu-ray/DVD cover - sees salacious use of Susan George's fleeting black underwear scene.

BASED on Alan Scholefield's novel, this all-star mess at least made a change in an era of slashers and overblown make-up effects. Young asthmatic Philip Hopkins (Lance Holcomb) and his grandfather Howard (Sterling Hayden) - part of a wealthy hotelier family - are kidnapped by their chauffeur Dave (Oliver Reed), nanny Louise (Susan George) and her terrorist lover Jacmel (Klaus Kinski).  With Philip's mother Ruth (Cornelia Sharpe) flying to Rome to meet her husband, the plan starts to unravel early, as Dave kills Police Sergeant Nash (John Forbes-Robertson) at the doorstep, and Philip brings home a Black Mamba in a mix-up between a pet store and the London Institute of Toxicology. When Dr Marion Stowe (Sarah Miles) receives a harmless snake in error, she too is ensnared inside the house thanks to the bungled negotiations of Commander Bulloch (Nicol Williamson). To add to the star power, Michael Gough appears late on as London Zoo's real life Snake handler David Ball, who acted as advisor.

VENOM's behind the scenes troubles are more famous than the finished product. Original director Tobe Hooper and cinematographer Anthony B. Richmond quit after ten days, citing obligatory "creative differences." Kinski has boasted that the cast and crew contrived to have Hooper replaced, and Piers Haggard - drafted in with little preparation - stated in a Fangoria interview that Hooper suffered "some sort of nervous breakdown." Apparently, the main problem was the caustic relationship between Reed and Kinski ("they fought like cats" claims Haggard), so much so that Piers claims the Black Mamba was one of the more congenial members of the production. Additionally, Hayden spent most of his time on set drunk, which accounts for his extremely uneven showing. 

VENOM should be given kudos for having the audacity 

of casting Klaus Kinski and Oliver Reed in the same movie. 

There are several liberties with logic, making VENOM more comic strip than the taut thriller it strives to be. Nothing is made of Stowe's knowledge that cold can induce a coma with the snake (particularly as the film is set in winter). It is also ridiculous that a leading Toxicology centre would deal with such a ramshackle, back-street pet supplier, and equally absurd is the police literally finding a "back door." As a glutton for punishment, in the same year Reed made another killer snake picture with a troubled production based on a novel: the Canadian SPASMS. Although not released until 1983, here the actor develops a psychic link with a snake which killed his brother, accidentally set free by a group of reptile-worshiping Satanists.

Bond Back to Earth (Part II of II)

OCTOPUSSY (1983)

Negotiating on a picture-by-picture basis, Roger Moore appears in his penultimate Bond, despite screen tests by James Brolin and Michael Billington. With the announcement of an unofficial THUNDERBALL remake, Moore provided a safer pair of hands under the circumstances.

THE contrasting visuals of Berlin and India form the backdrop to the thirteenth official James Bond film, released the same year as Sean Connery's rival outing NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN. In an original screenplay only fleetingly inspired by Ian Fleming's short story collection Octopussy and The Living Daylights, Roger Moore returns for his sixth 007 adventure. Renegade Soviet General Orlov (outrageous Steven Berkoff) forms an allegiance with charismatic smuggler and exiled Afgan prince Kamal Khan (Louis Jordan, a close friend of Cubby Broccoli). Orlov plans to detonate a nuclear bomb on a US military base in Germany, surmising that a subsequent withdrawal will leave Western Europe open to his loyalist forces. Khan double crosses fellow smuggler Octopussy (Maud Adams) and uses her travelling circus to unwittingly transport the bomb to the base, which Bond manages to deactivate at the last second.

Swedish model and actress Adams is perfect as the titular role; others considered included Sybil Danning, Faye Dunaway and Persis Khambatta (Barbara Carrera was actually offered the part, but chose to work on NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN instead). Reviving an ancient Octopus cult, and living in a palace guarded by an all-female team of athletic assassins, Adams effortlessly brings the character to life. Octopussy is also fleshed-out with a back-story: she is the daughter of disgraced British agent Dexter Smythe, who 007 allowed to commit suicide rather than face the scandal and humiliation of a court martial; Smythe was found responsible for the theft of Chinese gold from North Korea, and the murder of two guides. 

Maud Adams featured in three Bonds. As well as her star turn here, Adams was Scaramanga's ill-fated lover in THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN, and an extra in A VIEW TO A KILL.

Despite the grounded intentions of director John Glen, silly gags, crude innuendo and racist lines ("that'll keep you in curry for a few weeks") still clash with some astounding sequences. While Bond's Tarzan yell, gorilla outfit and Barbara Woodhouseesque command of "sit!" to a tiger are low points, the sequence where 009 (Andy Bradford) is stalked and murdered by knife-throwing twins Mischka and Grischka (David and Tony Meyer) is tense and sinister, as is the use of a yo-yo buzz saw which kills Bond's ally in India Vijay (tennis professional Vijay Amritraj). Also, the opening credits sequence involving the Acrostar Mini Jet and a heat-seeking missile still stands up as one of the best, beautifully executed by a seamless mix of real jet, full-scale replicas and miniatures. This is a particular relief after the Blofeld debacle of FOR YOUR EYES ONLY, although completely unconnected to the main narrative.

With the "Battle of the Bonds" a non-starter as NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN suffered production delays, OCTOPUSSY posted strong numbers with its summer release. Overall it is a very odd entry, and usually included in that ever-increasing number of 'Better of the Worst' Bonds. In order to reinforce the fact that you were watching the only official 007 movie of 1983, the Bond theme is even used to break the Fourth Wall, when Vijay plays it on a snake-charming flute.

Bond Back to Earth (Part I of II)

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981)

Even by 1981 standards, outrage greeted the original FOR YOUR EYES ONLY poster; consequently, the overly shown buttocks were obscured by an extended swimsuit or shorts. More than one model alleged that she was the owner of the perfect pins, but it was finally revealed they belonged to twenty-two-year-old New York model Joyce Bartle.

AFTER the outer space excess of MOONRAKER, James Bond returned with a more grounded thriller. This fifth 007 picture starring Roger Moore was the directorial debut of Bond editor and second unit helmsman John Glen, who would hold the post for the rest of the 1980s. While in Albanian waters, the British spy ship St George's sinks and takes with it a top-secret transmitter for Polaris submarines, the ATAC. Bond's retrieval of the device is complicated by the involvement of crossbow-wielding Melina Havelock (dubbed Carole Bouquet) - a daughter out to avenge the murder of her marine archeologist parents, who were assisting MI6 - and Greek shipping magnate Aris Kristatos (Julian Glover), who plans to sell the ATAC to the Russians. With the aid of Kristatos rival Columbo (Topol), James and Melina raid Aris' mountain stronghold, where Bond chooses to destroy the ATAC rather than let it fall into the hands of General Gogol (Walter Gotell). Personally arriving at the hide-out, Gogol seems strangely unconcerned about this conclusion.

Glen's tenure gave Bond a harder edge, but the silliness always crept in. Any serious tone is immediately lost here in the most ridiculous pre-credits sequence in 007 history. Riffing on the then furious legal battle between Eon and Kevin McClory over the ownership of SPECTRE and Blofeld, a nameless bald villain in a wheelchair (John Hollis) - replete with white cat - traps Bond in a remote-controlled helicopter. Filmed at Beckton Gasworks, the scene ends with James scooping up the wheelchair with the helicopter rail and dropping him into a smokestack (the villain's pleading line of offering 007 a "delicatessen in stainless steel" is also perplexing). It's all very AUSTIN POWERS, creating a particularly jarring feel as we next see a touching visit to Bond's wife's grave. The film also ends on a ludicrous note, with the appearance of Margaret and Denis Thatcher impersonators Janet Brown and John Wells.

Marvel adapted FOR YOUR EYES ONLY as Marvel Comics Super Special #19, also released as a two-issue run. Written by Larry Hama and penciled by Howard Chaykin, it was the second comic tie-in for Bond, following DR NO first published by British Classics Illustrated.

After MOONRAKER, Moore insisted he would not be returning. The usual panic of finding a replacement ensued - Mel Gibson has said he turned down the role - but Roger eventually struck a last-minute deal. It can be argued that Moore gives his best performance, despite the uneasy age difference between him and two of his leading ladies. Bouquet mixes haunted and glacial with wooden, as if she can hardly believe she is in a 007 movie, but any actual romantic involvement is left to late on. This is in stark contrast to Bond's awkward relationship with teenage bimbo ice-skater Bibi Dahl (real-life professional Lynn-Holly Johnson), sponsored by Kristatos as Olympic material. The character name play on baby doll may well fit the pouting attention-seeker, but her lusting for the secret agent and East German skiing champion/KGB agent Eric Kriegler (John Wyman) hardly fits the remit of a back-to-basics adventure. In fact, the most believable love interest is provided by Pierce Brosnan's late wife Cassandra Harris as fake countess Lisl, Columbo's mistress who spends a passionate evening with Bond before being murdered by Kristatos' mute hit man Locque (Michael Gothard).

Adapting themes from Ian Fleming's short stories For Your Eyes Only and Risico, the most effective action sequence - a shark-based keelhauling - is actually from Live and Let Die. Overlong and suffering from grainy photography and horrendous early 1980s fashions, FOR YOUR EYES ONLY plays it too safe, and is easily one of the most instantly disposable entries. At least the title song performed by Sheena Easton achieved notoriety - even though it replaced a highly superior Blondie effort - as it was nominated as Best Original Song at the Oscars and Golden Globes. To date, Easton is the only theme artist to appear in the actual title sequence.

Whispers of Fear

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER (1950)

THE HOUSE OF USHER (1989)

The Hag of THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER. The sequence where she approaches a hapless gardener with a raised knife is timelessly eerie, her distinctive lines looking like a Berni Wrightson comic panel.

EDGAR Allan Poe's 1839 short story The Fall of the House of Usher intertwines many Gothic threads, in particular madness, isolation and metaphysical identity. The last days of the Usher family are symbolised by a disintegrating mansion house; indeed, its windows are described as "eye-like" twice in the first paragraph, and the central crack of the building can be associated with a split personality. On the printed page Roderick Usher, his twin sister Madeline and the house all share one common gloom and guilt-laden soul, with the notion of a crumbling and haunted construct dating back to a tale which largely defined the Gothic genre itself, Horace Walpole's 1764 novel The Castle of Otranto. Atmospheric and emotional, Poe's story is given laden treatment in the two film adaptations under consideration here. 

Ten years before the Roger Corman/Vincent Price version of Poe's story, THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER was released by GIB Films (named after the photographer, producer and director here, George Ivan Barnett). Actually made in 1947, it uses a Gentlemen's club as a framing device ("talking of horror stories, those of Edgar Allan Poe take quite a lot of beating"), before discarding most of the source. When Jonathan (Irving Steen) visits friend Lord Roderick Usher (Kaye Tendeter) at his English mansion, he discovers that Usher and his sister Madeline (Gwen Watford) are both forlorn shells of human existence. By ignoring the nuances of Poe's association between the house and the Ushers, and making the family illness the result of a curse from their mother's lover, the production is instantly transported to the stilted melodrama of 1940s horror mysteries (replete with a creepy hag (Lucy Pavy), homemade torture chamber and a severed head with all the effectiveness of a Halloween mask).

Oliver Reed in THE HOUSE OF USHER. Two years later, Reed would appear in Stuart Gordon's take on THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM.

Despite the final third interpolating many of Poe's elements, by this stage there are more questions than answers: was Madeline slowly poisoned and buried alive? Is Roderick mad and imagining the end of the film? Why would a medical doctor so freely attribute a family illness to a curse, or not have institutionalised the mother? As we return to The Gresham Club, members are as perplexed as the viewer ("your guess is as good as mine.") With such uneven exposition and the unintentionally hilarious club, one wonders if the script is intended to whimsically play with the audience.

Alan Birkinshaw's modern adaptation THE HOUSE OF USHER not only acts as a metaphor for disintegrating buildings and psyches, but also crumbling reputations. Oliver Reed whispers his way through as Roderick Usher, and Donald Pleasence is the demented Walter, Roderick's brother who is locked in the attic with his drill-hand. LA hairstylist Molly McNulty (a somnolent Romy Windsor) accompanies English boyfriend Ryan Usher (Rufus Swart) to visit his family estate, but are involved in a car crash when two ghostly children appear in the middle of the road. Faking Ryan's death, Roderick - who suffers from hyper-acuteness to the senses - plans to keep Molly a prisoner in the house, to impregnate her and continue the Usher line.

Donald Pleasence in THE HOUSE OF USHER. A year later, Pleasence would appear in the Edgar Allan Poe-inspired BURIED ALIVE.

This US/UK co-production, filmed in South Africa, was one of many Poe film revivals of the late 1980s and early 1990s. THE HOUSE OF USHER is cheap but certainly not cheerful, a mishmash of dream sequences, under-developed ideas and gore (an overstepping family doctor is castrated by a rat, faux hand in meat mincer, head on platter et al). The robust Reed is woefully miscast, and it is left to Pleasence is give an insane star turn, literally dancing through the corridors with his budget power attachment. This leaves the rest of the cast in a nonsensical state of their own, typified by cook Mrs Derrick (Anne Stadi) uttering the immortal line to Molly: "I know you have a lot on your mind, but while you're here, can you do something with my hair?"

Tree of the Living Dead

WOMANEATER (1958)

"SEE the Woman Eater ensnare the beauties of two continents! SEE its hideous arms devour them in a death-embrace!" Released in the United States as THE WOMAN EATER, a tentacled tree that can revive the dead unfortunately can't put any life into this plodding production. 

BETWEEN 1960 and 1967, there were a slew of murderous plant movies: Roger Corman's LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS had a florist assistant cultivating flora that feeds on human blood; Howard Keel's version of DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS was released; the homicidal creeping vine segment was part of DR TERROR'S HOUSE OF HORRORS; specimens of frozen tundra turn into acid-secreting carnivores for NAVY VS THE NIGHT MONSTERS; and MANEATER OF HYDRA sees Cameron Mitchell play a reclusive scientist crossbreeding dangerous varieties. But the dawn of this subgenre occurred in 1957 and 1958 with stories of more exotic origin: Dan Milner's FROM HELL IT CAME has a vengeful walking tree from the South Seas; and in this Charles Saunders picture, an Amazonian tribe possess a trunk-idol that can resurrect the departed, as long as it is regularly fed with nubile young woman to keep its secretions flowing.

Scientist and explorer James Moran (George Coulouris) transports the aforementioned "miracle-working Ju Ju" back to his English estate with loin-clothed Tanga (Jimmy Vaughn), who drums potential victims into a hypnotic state in a basement laboratory. Housekeeper and former lover to Moran, Margaret (Joyce Gregg), becomes resentful to new recruit Sally Norton (Very Day), an attractive ex-funfair worker who has started a relationship with mechanic Jack Venner (Peter Wayn). The scientist inadvertently strangles Margaret, who fleetingly returns as a brainless zombie; it is revealed that Tanga has kept the full secret of the tree to himself and his people ("only the body, not the mind!")

Blonde bombshell Vera Day makes for an appealing kidnap victim. Other credits for this London-born model/actress include QUATERMASS 2, GRIP OF THE STRANGLER and TOO MANY CROOKS.

WOMANEATER has the feel of a ponderous Bela Lugosi/Monogram film from the 1940s, and is a tired attempt to hang on to voodoo as an undead trope. The laboured script is played out by a disinterested and underdeveloped cast: the police force is unbelievably wooden and Coulouris - whose acting career spanned everything from CITIZEN KANE to BLOOD FROM THE MUMMY'S TOMB - stares blankly under a weight of research and family insanity ("several of them have been sent away.") Moran's plan is clearly at an early stage - he is having to kill people to revive them - but the most ludicrous notion is why Tanga has spun the situation to waste so much time, particularly as his prized idol burns over the closing credits.

Angel With Attitude

Samantha Fox and Page 3

Starting her glamour career at sixteen by coming second in the 1983 Sunday People’s Face and Shape competition, Samantha Fox was a model of irresistible contrasts: an angelic face with a mature body, and possessing large breasts with thin hips.

PUBLISHED in The Sun between 1970 and 2015, the inclusion of a topless model on Page 3 doubled the paper's circulation within a year of its introduction. As other tabloids scrambled to compete, was the notion harmless fun, or softcore pornography for the masses? Conservatives saw it as highly inappropriate for national newspapers, while feminists regarded it as a continuation of a misogynistic tradition. A number of the girls - such as Samantha Fox, Maria Whittaker and Debee Ashby - began their careers at sixteen, which was legally permitted in the UK until the 2003 Sexual Offences Act. But in the heyday of the 1980s the models were superstars, and Sam Fox became one of the most photographed women of the world, behind only Princess Diana and Margaret Thatcher.

In 1986 Fox retired from Page 3 at the age of twenty, and transitioned into pop music (although she did promote Page 3's 25th anniversary and appear in Playboy). It wasn't all plain sailing for the cheeky Mile Ender however, as Fox dodged fanatical stalkers and sued her father/former manager for embezzlement. Indeed, the title of her 2005 album Angel With an Attitude, and her appearances on chat shows, illustrated a grounded yet feisty "girl next-door" demeanour. Appearing on her record covers in sexy outfits and singing behind synthesized disco tracks, lyrics centred around the conflicts of love and lust. Although commercially successful, critics were less kind. Colin Irwin of Melody Maker called Fox "a small step for man, a huge step for lip gloss," while Alanna Nash, writing for Stereo Review, labeled her "airhead pop" and "less a singer than a sex fantasy."

Samantha Fox's debut single Touch Me (I Want Your Body) was a worldwide smash, reaching number three in the UK, and number four in the US Billboard Hot 100.

But if impressionable men were being conditioned to objectify and demean women, where does exploitation end and art begin? The historical definition of a nude shows the ideals of feminine and masculine beauty. Throughout the centuries this perception has shifted by cultural expectation; the first sculpture - the Venus of Willendorf - is known for her curvy figure and wide hips, and thought to be a deity for fertility. Female nudity also held an important place in prehistory, with Egyptian and Near-Eastern civilisations commonly featuring naked women as goddesses who ruled over love, war and even the underworld. Thus there is a mental and physical stature to the female form throughout history, possessing a real power over a variety of disciplines.

Contrastingly, throughout the Medieval period, women were mostly withheld from positions of power, or speaking their voice. In the time of the Renaissance, females were considered to legally belong to their husbands, and practically forbidden to practice art. An aura of seduction had replaced the perfection of these earlier figureheads, as an aesthetic landscape merged with a socio-political one. Samantha Fox certainly encapsulates the power of the female form, and a celebrated fantasy for girls yearning to be models and pop stars.

Séance and Sensibility

A DARK SONG (2016)

One location, two faces: Catherine Walker brings palatable turmoil to speak to the dead - forever shrouded by council estate sorcerer Steve Oram - in this Abramelin-inspired journey.

GRIEVING from the death of her son at the hands of an undisclosed ritual, Sophia Howard (Catherine Walker) rents an isolated house in Wales. Abrasive, alcoholic occultist Joseph Solomon (Steve Oram) leads her on a months-long rite based on The Book of Abramelin, to summon her guardian angel whom Sophia can then ask to speak with her son. The relationship between Sophia and Joseph becomes frayed as the grueling ceremonies unfold, and Solomon is seriously wounded when he accidentally falls on a kitchen knife. With Howard increasingly susceptible to sounds and shadows, Solomon succumbs from his injury. After breaking a seal surrounding the house, demons drag Sophia to the basement and torture her; but the deities retreat when Howard sees a white light, and an armoured angel awaits her. As it silently speaks behind aniridia eyes, Sophia’s redemption is one of forgiveness rather than revenge.

This confident British/Irish independent - the debut feature by writer-director Liam Gavin - contains such a detailed and methodical approach to occult ritual that it can only be a slow-burner (which is pretty unique in cinema, summoning is usually successful within minutes). But it is much more than a building psychological horror, its as if Ben Wheatley and Mike Leigh wrote a script after watching REPULSION and THE EXORCIST (the other prime example of systematic terror). When Solomon completes his salt circle around the retreat, not only are the duo cutting themselves from society, but from conventional reality. There is also a stripped-down enchantment here, a supernatural veneer that gives us hope against technological progress and the scientific march into an abyss. 

"Science describes the least of things;" the third act sees payoff from the Abramelin ritual, as Sophia confronts her warrior guardian angel, as if lifted from a Renaissance painting. 

Walker is magnificent as the tortured soul, blending steely determination with inquisitive desperation. Oram's gruff pie and chips mystic is no Stephen Strange, and sits uncomfortably with the seriousness of the narrative, but he is also uncomfortable in his skin. Before the terror takes hold, the audience is never sure of Howard's legitimacy (in a brief tea room scene with her sister, there are hints of mental illness), or if Solomon is just a pervert with a robe and ginger beard.

Abramelin and its demand for intricate, long-term preparation is credited to 14th-century Egyptian magician Abra-Melin, and plays out like a binding contract. In 1897, The Book of the Sacred Magic of Abramelin the Mage was translated into English by British occultist Samuel L. MacGregor Mathers, and was highly influential in the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn. Aleister Crowley - at the time a young member - started preparations for seeking the angel in Boleskine House, but abandoned this plan during the Hermetic Order division of 1901. The one thing that Mathers, Crowley and, indeed, most occultists, take from Abramelin is the existence of a benevolent demigod; consequently, a master or supreme magus can feed any number of charismatic and egotistical myth-makers.

Ghost Breakers

CATACOMBS (1965)

DARK PLACES (1973)

Released in the United States as THE WOMAN WHO WOULDN'T DIE, the Hitchcockian CATACOMBS subscribes to that age old task of murdering one's wife.

CATACOMBS is a largely forgotten gem of British horror, the story of wealthy businesswoman Ellen Garth (Georgina Cookson), her downtrodden husband Raymond (Gary Merrill), and their Art student niece Alice Taylor (Jane Merrow). Ellen needs control over everything in her life, even her sudden physical pains in which she induces a trance to escape from. A murder plot between Raymond and her seedy secretary Corbett (Neil McCallum) is played out with Alice starting an affair with Raymond. The planned scheme involving actress Rachel Thomas (Christine Glynn) is prematurely halted by the overbearing Ellen finally breaking her husband's patience at their cottage retreat: Raymond drowns her in the bathroom sink and buries her in the potting shed. But this doesn't seem to end Ellen's yearning to act revenge on her husband and niece.

It was during his time as story editor on ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS that director Gordon Hessler discovered the film's source novel by Jay Bennett. An adaptation was rejected for the show, but became his theatrical directorial debut. Yet CATACOMBS cannot shake off its feel of an extended anthology episode; Merrill - himself a veteran of Hitchcock's TV programme - is perfectly cast as the aging gigolo, and Cookson is frightening and glacially fragile (when Raymond carries his wife in his arms, Ellen seems to eerily transform into a mannikin). The tension is simple but effective (the sound of Ellen's walking cane, the moving of locked door knobs), and although the double twist ending will not surprise all, it nevertheless is a satisfying climax to a well made and entertaining thriller.

Shot at an old psychiatric hospital near Uxbridge, DARK PLACES was the only release from Glenbeigh/Sedgled, but it had a great poster. 

Helmed by Don Sharp, DARK PLACES is a pedestrian haunted house/psychological thriller that is also rarely discussed at length. Following the death of an aging asylum inmate, Edward Foster (Robert Hardy) inherits an old mansion with a grim reputation: a woman, the housekeeper and two children have disappeared without trace. However Edward is more interested in the £210,000 hidden somewhere behind the walls. Unfortunately there are others who also want the money: Dr Ian Mandeville (Christopher Lee) and his sister Sarah (Joan Collins), together with solicitor Mr Prescott (Herbert Lom). With Sarah helping Edward at the mansion, and the siblings faking paranormal occurrences, the building and its backstory start to affect Foster's fragile psyche. Possessed by the spirits of the deceased, he begins his own murder spree.

Similar to the feel of CATACOMBS, DARK PLACES plays more like a TV movie, hampered by uncharismatic direction and photography. Hardy has a lot of character aspects to grapple with and manages to just about carry the film, while the all-star cast are wasted (although Collins inevitably shines as the sexually conniving sleuth). Even the flashback sequences have quality performers in small roles, with Jean Marsh and Jane Birkin. The notion of the Mandeville fake haunting is never developed; in fact, the realisation that strange things are actually happening is only met with brief puzzlement. It's a shame, as this interesting trope dates back to earlier stories such as THE CAT AND THE CANARY and THE GHOST BREAKERS, particularly in the context of money and induced madness.

The Cat Creeps

THE CAT AND THE CANARY (1978)

Carol Lynley and The Cat in the only colour film of the celebrated but dated play. The production was not released theatrically until 1982 due to litigation with the original distributor, and consequently sat uncomfortably with the glut of slashers of the period. 

JOHN Willard's black comedy stage play The Cat and the Canary originally opened on Broadway in early 1922, and has become a cornerstone of the "old dark house" subgenre and "creepy clutching hand" motif. The story concerns the death and inheritance of a rich eccentric who felt that his relatives "have watched my wealth as if they were cats, and I - a canary." To date the tale has been adapted into four motion pictures: the 1927 Universal silent directed by German expressionist Paul Leni, the 1930 pre-code sound remake released as THE CAT CREEPS, the 1939 Bob Hope and Paulette Goddard take, and this British-made offering helmed by American cult filmmaker Radley Metzger.

In 1934, on the twentieth anniversary of his death, the remaining relatives of Cyrus Canby West (Wilfred Hyde-White) are called to his Surrey mansion to view the filmed reading of his will. Cyrus lets it be known how much he despised and loathed his kin - calling them "bastards" and "leeches" - by setting up a psychological struggle for his fortune. With a history of insanity in the family, West reveals that Annabelle (Carol Lynley) is to be the sole beneficiary, but to claim the inheritance she must spend the night in the house and be deemed sane the next morning. The situation is further complicated when a "chief psychologist at the Fairview Sanitarium, an asylum for the criminally insane; we're just up the road..." - Hendricks (Edward Fox) - informs the guests that a homicidal maniac known as The Cat has escaped and is hiding in the area. But this is revealed as a ploy by the unhinged second heir to drive Annabelle insane.

Wendy Hiller robustly plays family lawyer Mrs Crosby, and is removed half way through the film by becoming the first victim.

Metzger was a pioneer famous for his lavishly designed, adult-orientated films such as THE LICKERISH QUARTET, SCORE and THE OPENING OF MISTY BEETHOVEN (he also edited THE FLESH EATERS, regarded as the first ever splatter movie). His career-long fascination with self-destructive beautiful people morphs here into a group of desperate misfits, a de-sexualised mansion mystery of secret rooms and building resentment. Even the cinematography is against type, casting a well-lit glow as opposed to the usual cobwebs and shadows, and Alex Thomson's wide-lenses providing a sense of anti-claustrophobia. The stand-out touch, however, illustrates Metzger's pendant for the juxtaposition of actors and the projected image, when the family's faithful retainer Mrs Pleasant (Beatrix Lehmann) moves behind West's home movie only to reappear on screen - monochrome and twenty years younger - with Cyrus during the reading.

The all-star cast give performances that could generously be described as unconventional, portrayals of people who are all killers one way or another: disgraced doctor Henry (Daniel Massey, whose father Raymond had spent a night at James Whale's THE OLD DARK HOUSE), big game hunter Susan (Honor Blackman) and her lesbian lover Cicily (Olivia Hussey), who shot an employer attempting to rape her, war hero Charlie (Peter McEnery) and songwriter Paul (Michael Callan), obliquely "the biggest killer of all" according to West. It's a hodgepodge of goofiness undermined by strange lapses: why is Cyrus' formalities in sound, for example, and the two climatic shootings are completely bloodless.